It's been awhile since I have been writing. I think because of the guilt that I have been feeling. I need an outlet but sometimes the guilt of the situation is just too much to even write it down. I know that I am wrong for what I am doing. However, it makes it no easier. Feeling guilty does not make you stop loving someone. If this were only sex it would be different. I have fallen deeply in love with someone who does not belong to me. The guilt is overwhelming at times.The temptation is none the less there though. Its not simple to just walk away from something you cant imagine your life without. I think the hardest part for me was deciding and accepting I was not going to walk away. I had to make a choice to stay and deal with the consquences. Those being good or bad. 
Things are still very much up and down. One day I feel like we are moving forward. Others I feel very much at a stand still. I remind myself to be patient and things will work out. Maybe not the way I want in the end but one way or anther. Recently, he came to me on his own and told me he told her he was unhappy. He explained to her that he wanted to leave. When he told me about this I could tell he very much meant was he was saying. I honestly believe he is scared to make that change. He's afriad to turn that corner. But I honestly believe that he does want to. I guess that little bit of reassurance makes me believe that we will have a chance at a real relationship. Not a secret one. I am very much in love with this man. I want more than anything in the world just to be able to tell people how I feel about him. To be able to hold his hand anywhere and not worry about who sees. I want to be able to tell my friends about him and have him at holiday dinners. I hope someday this will be what happens for us. For right now its still very much a waiting game though.  I guess the same waiting game it really has been the entire time.

The rollercoaster I cant seem to get off of

As I continue this journey that I know in my heart is wrong, it gets harder and harder. For multiple reasons. First I know Im wrong. I know everything Im doing is wrong. I know someone else is on the other side and does not deserve what is happening. I sometimes find myself regretting getting in so deep. Because now these feelings are real. This isnt a crush. I love this man who belongs entirely to someone else. I also find myself struggling with jealousy. Hes not mine. He goes home to someone else. The more I find myself loving him the more I hate that shes with him. The more I dont want to share anymore. I want him to myself.
However, if I got him would I ever be able to trust him? Or would I always wonder if hes doing to me what he did to her? Granted, I would deserve it! Karma will come along. But am I prepared to take that chance. The love I feel for him is strong though. I dont know if I want to throw away everything because Im scared to take that risk when I knew the whole time what I was doing.

It all just seems so crazy. This situation is wrong. But how could our love ever be considered wrong? Obvisouly how we got here was not the best. It was hurtful and wrong. But now that we are here it doesnt feel wrong anymore. It feels like I was meant to meet him. Meant to be with him. Im truly sorry for who its going to hurt. I feel bad for putting her through that when and if she finds out. However, its bittersweet. As selfish (and i know it is) as it sounds im happy with him. I love him. I cant regret that.

He said it!

I have found myself confused more and more recently. I guess not confused about us in general but what is okay and not okay in this relationship. I mean the statement in itself seems ridiculous! None of it is really okay. This whole situation is a mess that neither of us want to leave but we both know its wrong to continue. It seems more recently I have found myself feeling as if he's mine. I have let my mind go blank to the fact that he belongs entirely to someone else. I have found myself head over heels for someone that is not mine at all really. It feels as if he is but no one can ever know. A select few do know but the general population never can. Everyone else see's him belonging to someone else. With this being said its created turmoil for my emotional state. I feel like I love this man. But when would be the right time to tell him? When is the right way to tell him?
As much as I danced around the subject with him, I could never say it. Jokingly, sure it was said. Never the real way though. He did one time tell me he loved my kids. That was serious. He tells me all the time that he likes me. But never the "love" word.
Today out of nowhere I decided to tell him. I wrote him a text only saying "I love you". After an anxious day of not hearing from him I felt his feelings had changed. Or that was not how he felt for me. My mind raced thinking maybe I crossed a line I shouldnt have. My mind was flustered with the what ifs. How as I supossed to know. I have never been in this type of situation. I still don't want to be.
About two thirty a reply came. The words said "I love you too babe!!" I just stared at my phone for at least ten minutes before I replied. My mind even though maybe in wasnt meant to be sent to me. I couldnt believe he said he loved me!
The bitter sweet is still there though. It makes the situation that much more complicated. I mean sure, he says he loves you but he still goes home to someone else every night. He still belongs to her. But I guess for the moment the fact that he loves me will have to be enough. 

Life has taken me many places but this has yet to be one of them! I've never been one to cheat, likewise I've never been one to encourage a cheater. However, I now find myself falling for someone who is in a relationship. Fresh out of a marriage I found myself liking a guy I work with. Not only liking him but becoming emotionally attached, as I went through one of the hardest things in my life. I found myself going to him to pick me up. I needed his support and his encouragement as I struggled through my household problems. As I fell for him, he became more interested in me. We started meeting up. Just to talk at first. Then feelings got stronger. I throughout the six months that we continued to become closer was open with my feelings. Telling him I was falling for him. He also expressed he had feelings but due to his situation was naturally more closed. Our relationship progressed to be what felt to me like boyfriend and girlfriend. However we dont call it that. I guess you could say friends with benefits. I feel guilty that I have become the other women. Its never been a place I thought I would be. I feel ashamed. I don't want people to view me at "that type of girl". None the less that is what I have become. It also makes things more complicated that we work together. Our relationship is already a secret but that just makes it that much more under locks. A few people at work do know. Not in detail really just that we have feelings and see each other outside of work. Keeping a secret like this all the time can b exhausting. It's also emotionally draining. My thoughts are always worrying that "she" will find out and be devastated.
Not that it makes it okay but she is not good to him. Of course, I would think that. However, its not just me. Many from work have noticed her over sharing on facebook about how bad he is and how bad he treats her. I am not in their relationship. I don't know what happens behind closed doors. I do know what kind of man I see of him though. He's the kind that will lift me up when we are fighting. Even when he's mad at me. The kind that see's me hurting and even though he's upset with me will try and make it better. I can't picture him in the light that she puts him. I of course can't say for certainty shes wrong but I can say I can't picture it.
Either way now I've found myself in this mess of falling for him and not wanting to walk away and being the other woman and so clearly in the wrong. My selfish feelings have overtaken my brain and I am at a loss for what to do next. I am confused on where this is going. It's only a matter of time before "she" finds out. This can't go on forever. I would never ask him to leave her even though he claims not love her. My heart does want him to be all mine though.